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Obviously, he could have located the tofu if he had just asked someone, but it is a lot easier to just grab some pudding, circle around for another cheese ball, and then head out to the parking lot and declare himself unworthy of ever again being assigned such an important job.

If this ever happens to you, you'll be tempted to have this conversation:

YOU:

What were you thinking? I can't use pudding.

HIM:

Why not? Isn't it practically the same thing?

Of course it is not. Pudding is dessert. Tofu is a gelatinous mass of white gunk that tastes like wet cement. Men know this, otherwise, they would “eat” tofu.

YOU:

It's not the same! Obviously I can never send you shopping again.

HIM:

Oh darn!

TIP: Can you see that by being focused on the short-term goal of preparing an inedible meal, you've lost sight of the larger strategy of teaching your man to shop for groceries? Here's the conversation you should have had when he returned to the car, all proud of himself.

YOU:

I see that you bought vanilla pudding instead of tofu.

HIM:

Yeah, I figured it is practically the same thing.

YOU:

What a smart idea! Actually, though, I need tofu because I'm planning to lay some bricks with the leftovers. So go back and find the tofu.

HIM:

I guess I'll go back, then. Tofu? Would that be in the same section as milk of magnesia, maybe?

YOU:

I'm sure you'll find it in due course without asking anyone.

 If you use this tactic, he will eventually emerge from the store, triumphantly carrying a package of the loathsome tofu, which he will present to you as if he had killed it with his own hands. "Oh honey," you should gush, "you're wonderful! You did a great job!"

"I did?" He'll frown, suddenly realizing that in his excitement over stalking and killing the tofu, he sort of blew the gaff, as con men say. But you've got him trapped, now; if he can track down tofu, he can find anything, and he'll have to do the grocery shopping from that point forward until he thinks of a different ruse.

THE SCAM IN ACTION: MEN AREN'T EVEN VERY CLEVER AT BEING CLEVER

I have a friend named Marv who is an airplane mechanic. All day long he works with intricate machines. His wife is a manager of something manageable in the banking industry, and she washes the dishes every night because, in her words, "Marvin just can't wash dishes. He's terrible at it."

Here's how I feel about that: If I ever look out the window and see Marv working on my jet engine, I'm getting off the plane. What sort of man toils with hydraulics all day and then claims he can't slide a wet plate into the correct slot in a dishwasher?

Or take Dr. Richards, a surgeon acquaintance of mine. He has never helped his wife in the kitchen, even though she runs her own business and hasn't taken a vacation since the last moon mission. His excuse: If the knife slipped and he accidentally sliced his hands, he wouldn't be able to make a living. "What if I cut my tendon?" he demands, because as a surgeon he knows how hard it is to fix something like that.

I can't explain why Marv's wife appears to fall for the aircraft-mechanic-who-can't-wash-dishes routine, though I will note that every time they go on a vacation, she insists on taking the train. But a surgeon who is unable to use a knife? If I were Mrs. Richards, I'd announce loudly at a party, "My husband? He can't even slice a tomato without the knife getting away from him!"

That would certainly silence anyone in the room scheduled for a vasectomy.

Men cheerfully admit domestic incompetence in social groups only as long as it contributes to their standing among other men. When a woman says, "My husband Phil is terrible at vacuuming. It's easier for me to just do it!"

PHIL THINKS:

I'm adorable!

THE MEN IN THE ROOM THINK:

Whoa, Phil, great scam you've got going there!

THE WOMEN IN THE ROOM THINK:

What an idiot!

It would all change if Phil's wife would just say, "John, would you come over and show Phil how to run the vacuum cleaner? He's having a terrible time with it, and women are just no good at explaining things."

JOHN:

Oh, okay. Sure.

PHIL THINKS:

Huh? I know how to run a vacuum, for heaven's sake. I don't need John coming over!

THE MEN IN THE ROOM THINK:

Whoa, Phil, you're a loser.

THE WOMEN IN THE ROOM THINK:

Hey, it worked!

After the party, Phil will complain to his wife that she made him feel foolish. It will be tempting to observe that "foolish" might actually be a pretty good word for a person who can't master a sweeper, but if she were to innocently point out that, well, he just seemed to be experiencing such difficulty that he needed John's help, he'll get all huffy and insist that next time he'll prove to her he darn well can use a vacuum cleaner!

In the world of con men, this is known as a "reverse."

(This excerpt ended on page 19.)

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